Enjoy Your Dog and Pony Show, I'm Voting For Edwards

The mainstream media love Obama and Clinton. We have never had a black President or a female President and they are just all atwitter at the prospect of being part of that historic event. They forgot other candidates are running. They also forgot that Hillary and Obama can't beat the Republicans the ramifications of which will ruin this country for good. This county cannot tolerate another minute of sociopathic, corporate ass kissing, Repulican rule. Our economy is on the brink of ruin, the infrastructure of our cities are crumbling, the medical care situation is a disaster even for those who have insurance and this war is ruining a generation not to mention a country on the other side of the world. That should be what is important not that we have a black or female president.

But not to the MSM.



Let's take a look at the two golden candidates:

Ladies first.




Hillary Clinton is not Bill Clinton. She is her own person and that person is more conservative and less charismatic than Bill. People just don't like her. The Republicans hate her and the left wing of the Democratic party doesn't trust her. I see her as someone who would spend her administration trying to show how macho she is by engaging in conflicts, invading countries like Iran on the flimsiest of pretexts and keeping companies like Blackwater in business.

In fact she is on the armed services committee--why isn't she spearheading the investigations of Blackwater and Haliburton? She is a good speaker. After that I don't see much difference between her and our speech impaired President. She backed down on the universal health care battle in the 90's and I can see her doing it again.






Now to Barak Obama.




He is tall dark and handsome. He is an excellent speaker and he seems very intelligent and charming. He says he wants to unite people and bring change to Washington. Really? What if people don't want to be united. I don't want to unite with racist rednecks, I don't want to unite with crazy Christians, I don't want to unite with Republicans. I know these people live in the same country and I have to coexist with them but I don't wan't to unite with them. What kind of change is he talking about?. I haven't seen where he has done anything earth shattering in the Senate, in fact he has spent most of his senate term runnng for President. I think maybe one day in the future he may become a candidate I would support but right now I have to say no. America is too racist, his name rhymes with Osama, his middle name is Hussein, he has shown little interest in helping poor people or black people; mainly catering to the white middle class (hence Oprah, their High Priestess) and he comes off as kind of weak to me. The Republicans would have him for breakfast, lunch and dinner and he would probably have a nervous breakdown the first year of his term.

I don't think so.



Now we come to John Edwards.

I like Edwards when he ran against Bush/Cheney. He made Cheney's blood boil during a debate when he slipped in that comment about his gay daughter.

Kapow!

I loved it. Cheney didn't see it coming. Democrats are supposed to play nice. Oops.

I think John Edwards has the chops to stand up to the crazy right, I don't think he's afraid of them. I think he will help the poor and working class people including the middle class. I think the International community would love him. I know he can beat any of those pathetic excuses for human beings on the Republican side. If that's not enough he has promised to remove the health insurance of the Congress, Senate and White House staff until they pass health care for all Americans. I don't know how he would be able to accomplish that but I don't think he would say it if it were not possible.

However, when Dean promised universal health care, they came back with the scream. So I am sure they will dig up something on Edwards if he proves to be successful.

Be that as it may, he has a southern accent and it will play well in the south. Edwards doesn't share their limited views on life but since he has the accent that should easily distract them. Obama and Clinton can totally forget about the south.

So it is Edwards for me. If he wins the first three primaries maybe the MSM will get it that the Dog and Pony show is not working and start giving him more air time. Maybe they will realize we are not so easily distracted (if only that were true).

Grits and Yuppies

I love Grits, especially with spicy sausages, a little cheese and butter on it for breakfast. A lot of people did not grow up eating Grits and since the word doesn't sound very pretty, (grittiness?) and it is associated heavily with black people, it has become some kind of strange substance in the Non Grit Eating world.

Ok-- whatever it's their loss.

However I have a problem with Yuppies or other Non grit Eaters asking what is a Grit or what are Grits and scrunching up their faces as that ask-- as if to say I am asking but I don't really want to know because I have already formed a negative opinion about it.

I don't feel like explaining what a Grit is. You(Non Grit Eater) have spent most of your life not knowing what a Grit is maybe it is not for you to know.

Anyway, one day I was at the supermarket and these two Yuppie women got behind me in line. I had Grits and hair grease on the conveyor belt and I knew we were going to have some kind of interaction. My back was hurting, I was tired and not in the mood.

They were yapping away about their Yuppie interests, home remodeling projects, that new Albanian-Mongolian restaurant etc.....then there was a lull in the conversation.

I knew it--- here it comes.

Counting T minus 10..9..8..7..6..here it comes 5..4..3..2..1 we have lift off.

WHAT ARE GRITS?

First of all I don't know what Grits are and even if I did I would not take the time to explain it. I know I have that kind of Aunt Jemima look, overweight, middle aged and black, and I look like I should be singing in a choir and saying something like "Bless yo heart chil' you want to know what grits are, let's see sweety....."

That is not me. I may look Aunt Jemima-ish but if I met Aunt Jemima I would probably kick her ass or at least say "thanks" with a huge helping of sarcasm.

My acutal response to the question was "I don't know, I am buying this box for a friend."

They didn't like that--how dare I look like Aunt Jemima and have that attitude.

So they started talking amongst themselves, probably to save face " do you know what Grits are? No I don't have a clue", etc etc etc.

I just ignored them.














Then I felt bad, not for the rebuff but for the fact I didn't say what I really wanted to say. Next time I will respond with exactly what is on my mind.



Beware Yuppies and Non Grit Eaters, if you happen to be standing in line behind an overweight, middle aged black woman who is buying Grits, don't ask her what are Grits. Because if it is me this is the response you will get.


I don't know what Grits are and I don't know what a Grit is. I do know that they are delicious especially with saugage early in the morning. Here is an idea why don't you buy a box and make some. The directions are on the box. Put a little cheese and butter on it and eat it instead of hash browns or a bagel. You may find them delicious and I promise you will not turn black, you will not become a crack whore, your hair will not kink up and you will not have an irresistible urge to move to the hood and fool around with black men. However I cannot predict what your friends would say when they found out you were eating (gulp!) Grits.

There is nothing wrong with curiosity, but it is the phraseology and the face scrunching that I find extremely irritating.



Why not ask that question like this:

"you know I see that box of Grits all the time next to the Cream of Wheat-- it looks good, what does it taste like and what do you eat it with? I think I might like to try it one day."

If someone asked me like that, then I would be nice and maybe explain what I think Grits are because I really don't know, my mother used to make them when I was a child so I just ate and enjoyed.

However I do also recall my mother serving me Brains when I was a child and eating those with Grits. I thought they were some kind of egg dish spelled Branes, until I realized later in life they were really Brains, spelled Brains--- Brains from some animal--- I was really disgusted when I found that out.

So it is ok to scrunch up you face and ask me about Brains.

Broke Down Oprah is back

Hello (My One Reader)

I have been gone for a long time because I have been diagnosed with a serious illness and haven't felt like making fun of people.

But now I am back with a new blog, Renal Roulette, and a lot to say.

I guess I will start with the usual suspect, His Royal High Mightiness, the Honorable and Fabulous and Uber-intelligent George Wha?? Bush.

Why don't we just make him king of America, in fact I would be willing to make him king of America if he would stop talking. Every time he opens his mouth that little voice in my head starts screaming.....

"For the love of God please please I beg of you please make it stop"



Then I thought to myself--why is his voice so irritating to me? It took me a while to figure it out but I have presented my reasoning below.

Imagine you are a child-- a teenager who is really smart and into computers and pretty savvy as teenagers go.

You have a father who likes to ride around on his motorcycle and thinks he is hot. That's pretty bad but you say "whatever--that's his problem I have my own problems to deal with."

Then your father has an accident and damages his brain severely, because he is way too cool to wear a faggoty helmet. He eventually makes it after a long recovery.

He has recovered physically but there is something not quite right with him. Whenever he talks to you he scrunches up his face and talks to you as if you were a slow witted child from another country (Albania?), so he has to use small words, talk very slowly and try very hard to make himself understood. He doesn't realize that it is he who has the brain damage and you understand the simple minded things he is trying to explain perfectly. So you have to sit there night after night going through this routine listening to someone who was not too bright in the first place, who now has brain damage trying to explain simple things to you with that exasperated scrunched up face and idiotic explanations. That has got to be hard.

That's why I cannot listen to him. Now that the prophets of Doom has shortened my lifespan I really find it hard to listen to him. Suppose I am listening to him give his usual Bin Laden, 9/11, terrrrist speech and I drop dead. That would have been the last thing I would have experienced as a living human being on the planet earth. I cannot take that chance. I am not unpatriotic or a Bush hater ( well, actually I am) but I am trying to cherish and protect what could be my last moments on earth.

You Are So Busted......

See Article





We all suspected it was a load of horse manure but now we have confirmation. Cell phones don't interfere with lifesaving equipment. Grandpa didn't die because you sent a text message to your boyfriend, he died because he was old and sick--that happens to a lot of really old sick people.


So why do hospitals ban the cell? It is pretty obvious. People who talk on cell phones in public places loud enough for others to hear are extremely annoying.

One lady next to me talking on a cell phone was so irritating I wanted to take the phone and shove it up her nose. After that I started monitoring my own cell phone conversations and have started really paying attention and modulating my voice.

Unfortunately most people are not that introspective, and don't care that we have to hear the business end of them yelling at their teenagers, some customer service drone, their hard of hearing grandma or engaging in sexy banter with their spouses. They should. Someone should make a video tape of these conversations and send it to them with enhanced audio, showing people's facial expressions during these ridiculous exchanges, they would be shocked at how not pretty they look.

But this leaves us with the Health Care industry and their big lie. Why not just say that cell phone use is disruptive to patient care. Why deny people who are trying to contact family members near and far about their sick relative, or not allow patients to talk to relatives who are not local.

According to the article there are still some skeptics in the medical industry that are suspicious of cell phones and still believe it may interfere with sensitive medical equipment. I don't believe it. They are just covering their asses because they knew they were making it all up.

A few years ago I worked on a Medicare Unit of a prominent Seattle hospital. The patients were mostly elderly and we did not have a bunch of monitoring equipment. We had some IV pumps and wound vacs and nothing else that I would consider high tech and life sustaining. One time we had a code and even the ER doc who came to help said he thought everyone on this unit was a no code (which reminds me of the joke what do you call a medical student who graduated last in his class? Doctor). Anyway you get the idea. There was this huge sign near the elevator with a cell phone enclosed in a red circle with a line drawn through it stating the cell phones interfere with life sustaining equipment. One day I asked the charge nurse which life saving equipment and she said there is none we just don't want people using cell phones up here.

I am sure some facilities will still keep the signs and keep the lie alive, but now you know the truth and this truth is just another chunk removed from the Medical Industrial complex's armor. What's next?

Universal Health Care? I know--way too much, we need to take baby steps.

Charging $5 for an aspirin?

George W Bush Needs An Intervention

I watch the program Intervention on A&E and I have become convinced that George W Bush needs an intervention badly.

What for?

Drugs and Alcohol?

No

Causing the horrific and painful deaths of hundreds of thousands of people?

No

Trying to turn the Presidency into a Dictatorship?

No

Then whay pray tell?

George W Bush needs an intervention to stop him from speaking Spanish.

Someone has led him to believe that he can speak Spanish and he does it whenever he is around the Spanish speaking.

Don't the people south of the border have enough trials and tribulations to deal with do they really need our Imbecile in Chief babbling on incomprehensively to boot.

The English speaking world knows Bush is a simpleton with a border line speech impediment. However, I would suspect the rest of the world doesn't know that. They see Bush as some tough talking kick ass President of the richest and most powerful nation in the world and they just assume he is an intelligent and mesmerizing speaker. How else would he have risen to such an exalted position? Well now the Spanish speaking world knows he is a simpleton and worse maybe even a little crazy.

I was watching the news and heard him speaking Spanish. I didn't understand what he was saying, I understood the words but they did not make any sense. I speak Spanish, not perfectly, but I have been told by the Spanish speaking I speak "bastante" which means ok or good enough. And I definitely know enough Spanish to know our President was speaking gibberish.

So here is my plan.

Get Jeb who can speak Spanish, his Mexican American wife, their half Mexican offspring, his parents, Rove, Cheney, Condoleeza and some of his golf buddies, Blair and of course Alberto Gonzalez together for a pre invertention meeting. I would volunteer to facilitate this meeting as I have a degree in Linguistics which I have never ever ever ever used until now.

At the meeting, they can all write heartfelt letters expressing how much they love George W, but the Spanish speaking has to stop. There will be a lot of crying and hugging and of course George W will insist that he can speak Spanish and start making incomprehensible statements in Spanish with his Texas accent. It will be very painful but I think eventually he will get the message and agree.

And just as he is about to leave promising never to speak Spanish again, he will turn around and remember that he is the Commander in Chief. He runs America and everything he does is to help the American people. He will tell them that he will continue to speak Spanish because that is his job to represent America all over the world. The people of Guatemala, Mexico and other countries understood him perfectly.

He will storm out.

Yo soy el Presidente

Yo soy el comandadero el Jefe

Yo hablo Espanol, no el la verdad, no es la verdad, no la verdad no es, no yo hablo la verdad espanol, correcta, verdad.

Africa is not a Country or Race--its a Continent

---

---

The Media seems to take delight in the fact that black people are not overly enthusiastic about Barack Obama becoming the possible first black president. I suppose it would make sense that we would be overjoyed since he is the first "articulate and clean" black candidate, but we have our own opinions on subjects and our own reasons for those opinions. What I found most interesting is that fact that we are called African Americans when it is Obama who is the real African American.

His father is from Africa so that makes him an African American.

If your great great grandma was born in Russia and you don't speak Russian neither do your parents or grand parents and you know nothing of Russian history it would be ridiculous to call yourself a Russian American, it would be more appropriate to call yourself just an American or white American of Russian ancestry. That doesn't diminish your grandmother or your heritage it just makes more sense.

Why doesn't this logic apply to black Americans. We know that up until a hundred and thirty years ago our ancestors were brought here from Africa. That doesn't make their descendants African. We have had very little, practically no contact with Africa. We don't speak any African languages, we don't share the same culture of people from Africa in general except for being the victims of global racism.


When the term African American was first used it was fine because there weren't that many Africans in America. We, black Americans, accepted it proudly as it also gave us an opportunity to get in touch with our African heritage and identify ourselves with more than just a color.

Now there are many African immigrants coming to this country every day, people from Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, The Gambia, Nigeria etc etc with their unique culture and languages. When they emigrate here shouldn't they be the ones called African Americans.

And while we are on the subject, what about people who are from Egypt? Egypt is in Africa but we don't call people from Egypt, African Americans. When we use the term African we are specifically speaking about a race of people, specifically blacks from Africa. If a white South African came to live in America we would not call him an African American either. But Africa or African is not a racial term, its a geographic term and there are many ethnicities and races who live in Africa.

That's why it seems ridiculous to say that someone whose father is from Africa is not to be considered black enough for people who call themselves African American.

But that's assessment is coming from the Main Stream Media in an attempt to define black people within their own narrow guidelines.


I think we should go back to just calling ourselves black. Just like white people who have lived here for generations call themselves white. It would include all black people, and it would include black African Americans too.

It is also way easier to say and doesn't require any capitalization either.

As far as Obama is concerned we should evaluate him along with the other candidates and come to our own opinions about who we think is best for us in other words continue to do what we have been doing all along.

My Interview with George W Bush

MY INTERVIEW WITH GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, COMMANDER IN CHIEF OF THE ARMED FORCES, AND UNDISPUTED LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD AND THE PLANET EARTH.


You may be wondering how did this come about.

Well I contacted his chief of staff a day after he attended a party in which someone slipped him a roofie. He was so sick and hungover he agreed to let me interview the President.

I recorded this important because I didn't want to miss a second of this momentous occasion in my life.

Here is a transcript.


BDO: Thank you Mr President for granting me this time to interview you I now you are very busy.

Pres: You are very welcome, Oprah, or is that Broke Oprah, or Broke Down Oprah, or BD Oprah (laughing with his characteristically heaving shoulders)---

BDO: Mr President you can just call me Carla.

Pres: Carla, I thought you were Broke down and out Oprah, or just Plain ol' Broke Oprah or just---

BDO: Mr President I only have a limited amount of time for this interview you can call me whatever you like, thank you.

Pres: Ok I will call you Oprah cause I know that's who you secretly want to be and you know I'm a straight shooter and straight talker, so I will call you Oprah number 2, (laughing and heaving again).

BDO: Fine you can call me whatever you like as long as we can proceed with this interview. Mr President my first question is why are we still in Iraq? We went there to get rid of Saddam-- (he's gone) and to get rid of his WMD-- (there aren't any); so, I, along with many other people, want to know why we are still there? Who are we fighting?

Pres: Our troops are in Iraq and as long as our troops are in Iraq we are going to help them with the tools they need, the equipment they need and I am going to do everything in my power to protect the troops and the American people because I am the Commander in Chief.

BDO: But the troops are there because you sent them there, they didn't go there on their own. And are you saying that the only reason we are still there is because the troops are still there, because that doesn't make any sense.

Pres: Well I am the president and you are some kind of blogoscope writer or or or or something, you can't be expected to understand the complexities of this situation.

BDO: But that goes back to my original question, what are the complexities because all you have told me was that we are staying there because the troops are there.

Pres: Yes and as long as the troops are there I will stay there to protect them-- and the American people.

BDO: Let's change the subject. When you have allocated all of those funds for the war that doesn't leave much for social programs for the vulnerable members of society or universal health care for the working poor and uninsured.

Pres: What are you going to do with Universal health care if you are dead. (long pause) There are people out there who want to kill us, they hate us for our freedom, so if you are dead (long pause) from some kind of nukyular bomb what are you gonna do with health care, how is health care gonna help you?

BDO: But what if we don't have a war or what if we are not attacked by a nukyula--I mean nuclear bomb, I mean, we still have to live life in America.

Pres: Again what good is money going to do you if you are dead? If you are dead from a Nukyular, dirty bomb or something else what good is money going do to you, you have no home, no city, no earth, just radiaaction, I mean radioisotones, I mean radiation-- what good is money going to do you I mean for you? That is why the money should all go to to to to our fine young men and women serving in the armed forces to keep that from happening. The rest of the money should go to the rich to create jobs for the poor, who again may not be alive except for our wonderful troops fighting the terrirst there so they won't follow us here and fight us here. Which is good because according to you we are too sick to fight them since we don't have any health care. Its not rocket science its pretty simple really.

BDO: So let me paraphrase you. You cannot do anything for the country because we could all die any second from a dirty bomb, what money you do have has to go to the troops who are in Iraq to get rid of Saddam which they did and get rid of WMD which there were none, and to the rich to provide jobs for the poor in case we make it through the coming nuclear holocaust. We can't get the troops out of Iraq because they are there, so as long as they are there we have to support them being there and keep them there. So they have to stay there because they are already there, does that about sum things up?

Pres: That was a lot of talking, what was that a 12 part question? You are just as bad as that David Gregory, but he laughs at my jokes and you don't.

BDO: I think you are amusing, sir, but the topics I am discussing are somewhat serious but maybe after this interview we can go have a beer and yuk it up.

Pres: I'm gonna have to say a negatory to that. I am already in trouble for touching Condi Rice inappropriately I don't want Laura to think I have some kind of jungle fever.

BDO: Thank you Mr President.

My Andy Rooney Moment

---

I have this uncontrollable urge to glue on some giant eyebrows, glue some more hair in my ears and nose and just yammer on endlessly about stuff. When this happens I call it my Andy Rooney moment.

Let me know if you think I have a shot of replacing him if he ever leaves 60 minutes. Ever!

---

---

I don't really know any famous people but I have met many of them in my life. Here is a list.

---

Diana Ross: I actually worked for her as a nanny caring for her daughter, the one that looks like Berry Gordy, when she was an infant. I was a long string of nannies that she fired and I lasted the weekend. I was 19 at the time, a college student and didn't know "nothing about nannying no babies". I met her at a hospital for the rich and famous where she was visiting a friend and I was a nurse’s assistant and when she asked me to come and work for her I was flattered. During the interview she asked me if I took any babysitting classes at UCLA. I thought that was funny and had my first dumb celebrity moment.

---

Jon Voight: He gave me a ride home in his used Volvo in the early 70's. We were campaigning for George McGovern. McGovern’s celebrity supporters became official Voter Registrars and actually registered people to vote. He was very cute and had long blond hair, Birkenstocks, jeans and was soft spoken in a healthy earthy Norwegian sort of way. He gave me a ride home and was a perfect gentleman, unfortunately. I was horrified to learn he was a Bush supporter and supported the war in Iraq. A lot of people have changed their minds since then, let's hope Jon has too. He did insensitively mess up his adopted African granddaughter's name, calling her Shakira instead of Zahara in an interview so unfortunately I think Jon has gone from Hippie Hunk to stodgy old white dude.

---

Senator Mark Hatfield: There was some big fancy wedding he attended in Chicago, I was one of the spectators and he was standing outside and struck up a conversation with me. I thought he was very nice and I had never spoken to a Senator before--I knew who he was and knew he was a Republican. I looked him up for this piece and realized that we share the same birthday, July 12. He talked to me for some time and not in a "look at me a prominent white Senator talking to this poor little black girl, see I’m a good person", but he was really interested in my opinions. Even though he was a Republican I liked him, in fact in those days Republicans were not like they are now. Charles Percy was an extremely popular Republican Senator in Illinois.

---

Julie Andrews: A friend of hers was a patient at that hospital in Los Angeles a long time ago and we rode the elevator together. She stared at my feet during the entire trip. I have bad feet with corns and I usually have to cut little holes on the side of my shoes so my deformed pinky toes with their mutant corns can have some extra room. She had apparently never seen anything quite like it and was thoroughly engrossed for those seconds it takes to ride 5 or 6 stories. She is a Dame now. Hey Julie --Dames and movie stars may not have corns but some of us regular folk do. I still watch the Sound of Music every year though.

---

Barbi Benton: This was an interesting story. I stayed at a private dorm at UCLA when I was 18. There was a buzz going around that Barbi Benton was a student there. I had never heard of Barbi Benton and did not watch TV in those days, but soon discovered she was Hugh Heffner's girlfriend. So of course I was anxious to see her. I got into an elevator with this girl I believed to be Hugh Hefner's girlfriend and thought though she was pretty she wasn't that pretty and said to myself whatever. Then a few days later I was in the elevator again and this girl asked me to hold the elevator. I did. She walked in. She had on a full length fur coat, this beautiful red dress and was about the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She had this perfect body, flawless otherworldly skin, beautiful eyes and she was just stunning. Then I knew this had to be her. Then I wondered what she was doing at UCLA? If I looked like her I wouldn't need to go to college and then I remembered I like being smart and going to college and maybe she did too. I read somewhere that she was Jewish, so maybe her parents agreed to let her hang out with Hef if she promised to go to college.

---

Grace Bumbry: (The famous Opera Singer) I am related to her. I believe my father and she are first cousins. I remember her babysitting me and some other kids when I was young and she wasn't happy being stuck with all those kids that day. I don't remember too much more about her but my friends who love opera are very impressed.

---

---

---

Celebrities I would like to meet

---

Paris Hilton: I would love to walk up to her and show her a picture of herself aged twenty years and just see her reaction. Then I remembered her reaction would probably be the same since she has the same expression on her face no matter what the setting or circumstance. She is gonna fall hard.

---

Britney Spears: I would love to walk up to her and show her a picture of her aged twenty years, at least Paris takes care of herself, Brittney is already showing signs of age and disrepair. I would also tell her that Tokyo is not in Africa and Canada is not overseas, and Kevin Federline should not be considered the sane and responsible one.

---

Steven Spielberg: I would like to thank him for making the Color Purple, my favorite movie.

---

Clive Owen: I would thank him for being one of my favorite actors and thank him for not accepting the James Bond roles. He is too good for James Bond.

---

Jennifer Hudson: You have a lot of talent but you need to be grateful for your experiences on American Idol. Whatever they did to you is worth it--it is called paying your dues girlfriend. If it were not for American Idol you would have not got that part in Dreamgirls, I know you don't believe that, but it is true. You would have been one of the thousands of women who were interviewed and there would not have been anything unique or special about you. There are thousands of black women who can sing some maybe even better than you. You didn't even have a record contract. So take a deep breath and say nice things about American Idol because it makes you look gracious instead of petty. That experience is part of your life story whether you liked it or not. There are many women out there who are just as talented as you who have had worse experiences than being on American Idol who are still not discovered, not in any movies, not nominated for the highest award in the entertainment industry. So take a deep breath and listen to your heart because you know what the truth is.